Today's Advice

Courtesy of Will Malmo

Don't cut your hair like Justin Bieber. Not ONE TIME.

My mom is getting married today. I'm thrilled for her. My hair is done, my nails are painted, and now I'm in my aunts basement watching rap videos with my cousins to pass the time.
I have to make a speech. I hope I don't get shaky hands and red face and dry mouth. I hope I don't fart. Or let a few profanities slip.
But hey, it ain't about me. Congrats ma, you'll be a radiant bride. Enjoy every single moment.
Back to Ludacris.

Calling It

While I'm at it, heres another prediction.  Jack Nicholson will be the next celebrity to croak.  Called it.

Called It

I called Nicole from the very first episode of that cycle of top model.  She won.  I was right.  And look, she's actually doing some modeling.  How 'bout that.  Now Nicole, there's a ginger I like.

Today's Advice

 Don't nap for five hours in the middle of the day.

Oh hey summer, thanks for joining us.

Today's Advice

I'm preparing to leave for another summer in the bush. I tackle a shit ton of hardships out there in that hell, so I'll share some advice through out the summer. Let me make the mistakes for you. But pre-bush, here's some post-Chicago advice.
Don't fucking eat pizza for four days in a row leading up to a trip to Chicago you fucking idiot. Pizza Pizza pizza? Pizza with fresh basil from that hippy place? I don't give a shit. Don't do it. It's Chicago.

Normal Girls

It has been some time since my last post. Sorry to my three readers.
Today's topic- Do normal girls do this?
A Collection of Questions Mag and Jess Ask Each Other Most Everyday

Do normal girls....
1) Wake up covered in bruises?
2) Change spots on the subway to sit closer to the crazy lady in an unclasped body suit, sliding around on newspaper?
3) Take great pleasure in making fake fighting noises? (Waaa poow)
4) Spend most of their time in Ikea spinning in twirly chairs, clutching stuffed animals?
5) Build forts that stay up for monthes. In the living room.
6) Take secret remedies.
7) Have no interest in guys unless they live ten billion miles away?
8) Take baths fully clothed.
9) Demand triple cheese on pizza, scream into establishments at 3am asking if they have re-fried beans, and dip cold cheese into melted?
10) Watch the original Pippy Longstockings videos to cure hangovers before going to weddings.
11) Have the capacity to teach us strange girls to be more like them?
Only if they have a good block shot.

It's remarkable the number of photos I have in my collection that had the potential to be pleasant, but were ruined by a venomous Dum Dum. Check out

Umm

Holy jesus on a stick.  Look at this pizza.  Hello Chicago.  Hello constipation.  Hello heaven.

Oh you three, I cant stop thinking about you. I'm trying to sleep.

Felix James

My sister is in the midst of giving birth. As I wait for the phone call that confirms my nephews entrance into this world, Jess and I sit on my mom's back porch. The sun is bright, and a small black cat with wondrous green eyes lies between us. My home town smells of spring and the sounds of mowers and slowly passing cars fill our ears as we turn the pages of our books. We wait. This day is simple, and yet this profound anticipation fills every moment silently. We've done nothing, but I'll always be able to recall for this little guy every detail of what the day he came to be was like. Come quick little one. You wouldn't believe how many people love you already. We can feel you in the quiet breeze.
And we wait.